The Nine Months of Hell
by emeraldprincess92
Summary: When Sirius and Remus agrees to help James with a pregnant Lily, they never expected to be attacked by old ladies or getting yelled and abused by a redhead or setting the house on fire but, of course, did you epect less when the marauders are involved?
1. To The Store

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters but I do own the plot

Chapter 1: Off, to the Store

Summary: The marauders are off to the store…a muggle store!

"James Potter!" Lily Potter yelled shrilly from upstairs in their home in Godric's Hollows. James flinched and his two friends looked on sympathetically as James stood up, nervously, and headed up the stairs where a three month pregnant fiery redhead was. James and the rest of the Marauders had found out that Lily was pregnant about two months before. They had all fainted when they heard the news and Sirius, thought the baby was his, which resulted in James giving him a black eye.

"Yes, Lily," James asked pleasantly as he entered the room

"Don't take that tone with me, mister" Lily snapped as he glared at her husband

"What tone" James muttered suppressing the urge to roll his eyes

"What are you muttering about? Are you calling me fat, James? Huh?" Lily asked before she burst into tears.

"No…no…Uh…Remus…Sirius…Help!" James yelled and instantly he heard two pairs of feet running up the stairs.

"James, what did you do?" Remus asked as he neared the hysterical redhead

"Nothing" James whined

"What's wrong, Lily" Remus asked sitting next to Lily

Lily stopped crying and turned angrily at Sirius, "Where's my stuff I sent you to go get?"

"I-I didn't know you gave me a—" Sirius began but was interrupted as Lily began to yell at him

"YES, I DID GIVE YOUA LIST! SO GET OFF YOUR SORRY ARSE AND GO TO THE STORE…ALL OF YOU!" Lily yelled making all of them jump before they all aparrated to the nearest store.

"YOU LEFT THE LIST!" Lily yelled in rage but she didn't get a response

* * *

The Marauder's apparted to the nearest store…a muggle store. 

They looked around before they entered through the sliding door. Sirius was amazed at how the door slides open without using your hands. He made a mental note to experiment later.

"Uh…guys what are we exactly looking for?" Remus asked as he looked around the store. They were all raised up as wizards, so they were amazed on the different things Muggles had.

"Well…I'm not too fond in going back there for a list, that's for one" James mumbled as he walked through the aisles.

"Let's just pick up the things that girls should like" Sirius suggested

"Okay" The other two mumble as they followed Sirius through the cosmetic aisle

"What the hell is a _'make-up'_?" Sirius asked before shrugging and putting it into the cart.

"How about a _'condom'_ " Remus asked looking at the others confused

"Sirius, you know what a _'Tampon'_ is" James said

"No idea" Sirius muttered as he entered another aisle

* * *

"Uh, sirs, will you please move up" The cashier asked looking at the marauders irritably 

The three of them moved there now filled cart toward the cashier.

The cashier looked at them strangely as he checked the tampons and make-up. He smirked when he saw the condoms.

"Having a wild night eh?" The cashier asked suggestively "A threesome or is it for one of you?" The marauders looked at him in confusion before their faces turned into understanding then horror as they looked at each other.

"Ewww" They chorused looking at one another in horror.

* * *

When the Marauders returned to the house. They found a sorry looking Lily on the couch. 

"I'm sorry, I yelled" Lily wailed

The marauders sighed. The next few months will be chaotic.

_**A/n: Hi ya! I had to post this! What you think? Read and Review I take criticism and suggestions really well!**_

The-Lily-and-Her-Stag


	2. To The Hospital

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters only the plot!**

**Chapter 2: To the Hospital**

**Summary: How does Lily reacts to the products and the marauders and Lily go to the first check up …Read and Review**

The next morning the marauders were all on the floors exhausted. Lily had all kept them awake with her crazy mood swings.

"James!" Lily voice rang through the house startling the marauders from their restful sleep. James groaned as he got up sluggishly and started to trudged up the stairs while the rest of the marauders got as well thinking the same, _'Might as well follow him'_

When they enter the room Lily resided in. They wished they did not... what they saw made them pale. Lily had opened the grocery bag they had brought and she was furious.

"Tampons" Lily raged throwing the product at the marauders and hitting Remus right in the face." Are you mocking me?"

"We didn't-"They all started but Lily interrupted them by throwing the make-up at Sirius but she aimed different…at his…manhood. "Make up?! are you calling me ugly?!"

Sirius groaned in pain as he sank to the ground holding his…ahem. Unfortunately, the pregnancy might had gave Lily a good aim and some strength because Sirius looked liked he was not getting up anytime soon. The other marauders looked like they just wanted to run not wanting their…manhood…to be hurt. However, before they could run, Lily turned toward her husband.

James gulped and paled because he knew what was next…

"CONDEMS?" Lily screamed not even noticing that poor Sirius was in pain. "DO THINK AFTER YOU GOT ME KNOCKED UP THAT I'LL…DO IT" Lily screamed while poor James was cowering in the corner.

"But-" James started but, once again, Lily interrupted

"Get up…we're going to the hospital," Lily said before she got up and left to go to the bathroom

The Marauders were left there all thinking, '_I'm really starting to hate the kid that's inside that woman'_

((o))

"I will not go with that…devil…she's mad!" Sirius whined as he's friends dragged him out the house

"If we all have to go…then you have to go to" James hissed at his best friend but suddenly Remus stopped and said, "But really you should go, James, after all…you're the father" Sirius and Remus both smirked happily which made James want to throttle both of them

"But you two have to…after all Remus you're the Wolf father and Sirius the Dogfather" James said smirking

"Let's just go okay," Remus, snapped growling while Sirius groaned

"CAN WE GO?" Lily yelled glaring at them fiercely making them all jump and run toward the car where Lily was waiting impatiently.

((o))

When they arrived at St. Mungo's, they all walked toward the maternity ward. When they finally arrived, the doctors told the Marauders to stay outside until they finished checking Lily and see if the baby was okay.

"This is boring" Sirius whined after five minutes of waiting.

"Let's look around" James said a mischievous glint in his eyes

"Okay" Sirius said before they got up and began to walk toward where they held the newborns.

Remus sighed and muttered, "I got a bad feeling about this" Before he too followed his friends

James and Sirius were all ready gazing at the babies that were there when Remus finally caught up.

"Hey, Prongs, in a few months you'll have a tiny baby like that" Sirius said in awe,

"Yeah" James breathed as he looked at the tiny babies

"Let's go in that room," Sirius said tearing his eyes from the babies and nodded toward the door that read 'Equipments'

Remus finally spoke, "You guys we should be going back" But his statement was unheard as he found that James and Sirius were already gone. He growled in frustration before he entered the room. James and Sirius were looking at stuff while the Healers tried to make them leave.

"Hey, Moony, check this out" Sirius called out showing Remus a bottle of milk. Sirius put the bottle to his mouth and drank some of the milk. He smacked his lips before he stated, "Doesn't taste like regular milk…kind of…sour"

"That's because, sir, you just drank some breast milk," One of the Healers said not knowing if she should laugh or be irritated

"Breast milk…you mean…this comes from a woman breast…Ewww," Sirius said as he tried to clean his tongue as his friends were on the ground laughing

"It's not funny" Sirius whined before he pouted and left the room his laughing friends right behind him.

"Mr. Potter" A Healer called out, making the marauders look up, "You may go in and see your wife"

"Thank you" James said before he motioned Sirius and Remus to follow him into the room. When they entered the room, they did not expect a smiling Lily.

"Look" Lily whispered pointing at a screen next to her "They made a sonogram"; the marauders looked at the screen and saw…

"Is that the baby?" They all asked awe in their voices.

"Yes" Lily said taking James hand and kissing it

"Wow, how does it breathe?" Sirius asked amazed

"Do you know if it's a girl or boy?" Remus said ignoring Sirius idiotic question

"They knew but I want it to be a surprise," Lily said while James smile and kissed her forehead then whispering a sweet, "I love you"

((o))

There is a saying that goes: a Good thing always has to end. The Marauders found that true because as soon as they reached the house Lily became the devil again.

"How could you drink breast milk? Are you that idiotic?" Lily yelled at Sirius before smacking him upside his head.

Once again the Marauders muttered, "So much for a happy ending"

"What did you three say?" Lily said glaring at them

The Marauders quickly said a "Nothing"

Oh…I dread what tomorrow brings to the Marauders and Lily.

End of Chapter

_**Author's Note:**_

I died laughing while I was writing this. It was hilarious. Next chapter food cravings! I had to put fluff in the chapter it was too cute! Tell me what you think and yes I am continuing this story up to Harry's birth and maybe I will have a sequel on how they dealt with a newborn baby. What do you think? Sequel or not? You decide! Read and Review

The-Lily-And-Her-Stag92

_**Author Response to Reviewers:**_

**Nelly Potter** _Don't worry it was a joke. Lily is not having Sirius baby! Okay this was the sentance: "Sirius thought the baby was his which resulted in James giving him a black eye." It's James baby because the baby is Harry! Lol! Thankx for the review!_

**liz:** _Thankx yeah it will be totally cute!_

_Hope there's more Reviews to come!  
_


	3. Burning down the house…Part 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters only the plot!**

**Chapter 1: Burning down the house…Part 1**

**_Summary: Once again, the marauders make idiots out of themselves…Read and Review! Told by the most wonderful Sirius Black!_**

Okay, I had enough of that woman and that child inside of her. I mean how could you get so…I don't know devilish.

"You three better get into that kitchen before I hurt you" She screeched at us, we immediately got up from our positions on the couch and went into the kitchen where she waited.

Four months ago, I would tell anyone that Lily is a sweet girl that would not hurt a fly. Now I would tell her that she's the devil reincarnated and was out to us!

Wow…has it already been four months that means we have…five months left with her. Oh Merlin.

Looking around the kitchen, I heard James ask her, "Baby, what are we suppose to do in the kitchen?"

"Are you that stupid? I want something to eat and I don't want anything magical I want muggle food," She explained looking at us as if we dared question her decision

We looked at each other in confusion; we have never been in a kitchen before a muggle kitchen no less.

I was about to point that out to Lily but she already left. What were we suppose to do now?

We looked at the thing in the corner that had four little rings on it with little knobs. What was that for? Curious, I made my way toward it. I looked at it closely before I turned the knob I screamed as fire flared up from the thing. The next thing I know my beautiful luscious hair was on fire!

"My hair" I screamed as I ran to the sink (Thank god I knew what it was!) and turned it on. Dipping my head into the cool water I sighed in realize as the fire was drenched. I looked at my two friends and they were trying so hard not to laugh.

"How…" Remus started chuckling, I glared at him daring him to continue, "Idiotic"

That must have brought all of my idiotic moments because when he said that words James burst out laughing, "Ha-ha, very funny, now before Lily come castrate us all can we get to work"

However, they did not stop they just looked at me before they started all again. I glared at them, what was so funny?

"What is so funny that you would risk Lily finding us laughing instead of making her food?" I said irritated now

Remus, still laughing, handed me a mirror I, in return, screamed.

* * *

"Sirius, we're sorry," James told me for the hundredth time. I ignored him as I took out a…what did the muggle call them…a pot. I set the thing on the fire thingy and carefully opened it again.

Turning toward my friends, I glared at them. They both smiled sheepishly. I should explain, the reason why they were laughing was that my beautiful slick hair is now frizzy…frizzy! Do you know how horrid that is?

"How dare you?" I started out growling at them their eyes widen before they both said, "Uh…Siri" and pointed behind me

"My hair is ruined," I screamed as I pointed at them

"But Sirius…" James began than the kitchen door opened and in walked Lily

Uh oh

"What is going on here?" She asked entering the room

Is it just me or is it just way to hot in here?

"I told you three to do a simple job of making a poor pregnant lady food but you couldn't even do that. Can you three do anything right?"

Do I smell smoke?

"Let me answer that for you…uh…no you can't"

Why are the walls on fire?

"I mean what ever you…what is that smell"

Oh god

"Fire!"

* * *

Now we all are gazing at a burned down house. Who would have know that a…stove would have gas in it which resulted in the whole house going into flames…not me of course! Muggles are so weird…

"Tell me…" Lily started out dumbfounded as she stared at the rubble "How you burned down the whole house without trying?"

Even I, Lily, do not know that

"We're going to my sister's house," Lily proclaimed before she apparated

Yippee…a muggle house

"Than we can hopefully find a new house," James muttered before he apparated too

Maybe...

"God, how did this happen so fast?" Remus asked before he apparated too

I think it started out with my hair…but I am not sure.

I wonder how Petunia going to react when she finds out that three marauders are going to live with her for a couple of days…only one way to find out….

**End of Chapter**

**A/n: sigh good old Sirius anyways, I thought that it would be fun to change the POV in every chapter and I did. I laughed at some parts. Next chapter will be up on April you know I found out that I have a bad habit of not updating this fic…weird!**

**Anyway, for those who read October Road thank you but those who said that I was stealing the plot and I was naïve to think this wouldn't work and that it's the same thing um…before you judge a story you should wait until you read more chapter because like I said it will be totally different from the show and I wasn't even aware that there was a book. There will be a lot of Drama and I will be updating before Thursday just to prove that I have my own plot in mind.**

**In addition, all the readers who use anonymous I suggest logging in. Because I think, it is rather childish when you criticize my works and do not leave an email or pen name so I could answer your reviews. Trust me, I don't bite I will not curse you out just because you said my story suck because I appreciate your honesty and I would have said hey that's your opinion and some other people encouraged me to keep writing so I am.**

**I am totally rambling but after reading some of the reviews I got for October Road were childish and the bad reviews were all anonymous with no emails…I think that's way immature of you because I know that if you wrote a story and they told you that your story suck you wouldn't had like that wouldn't you? Anyway, read and review please!**

**Love,**

**Padfoot-n-Prongs92**


	4. Burning down the house…Part 2

Disclaimer: I do not own anything

Chapter 4: Burning down the house…Part 2

Summary: The reason why Petunia hates Lily…Read and Review! Told by the one and only Petunia!

A/n: He he. Hope I did a good job on this chapter! Read and Review!

"Who's a good baby?" I cooed looking at my wonderful duddlykins. "You are, aren't you, Dudders? You are a good baby. Yes you are"

I sighed as I heard a knock at the door. Who would be at the door? "Wait for mommy Dudders I'll be right back" Before I kissed him and got up.

I hummed as I opened the door. There in front of me was a rather worn out Lily and her three little clowns.

"Lily?" I said surprised to see my sister here. I hugged her and ushered her inside.

She nodded before she said, "They burned the house down can I stay here with you?"

I glanced at the three men who were standing in the doorway. James was grinning sheepishly, Remus was looking apologetic, and Sirius…well…Sirius was singing.

I sighed before I nodded, "Fine"

"Hey! Hey! You! You! I don't like your boyfriend! No way! No way! I think you need a new one Hey! Hey! You! You! I could be your boyfriend" I heard Sirius sing as they entered the house.

What have I condemn myself into.

* * *

"OW!"

'Whassatwhosethere?' I mumbled as I heard the voices. Oh god. We are being robbed. I, which Verny was here.

"Well done!"

"Hey, you stepped on my bloody foot!"

"Well don't walk like an idiot then. Can't you walk in a straight line?"

"Can't you?"

'Shh, we have gotta get outside _quietly.'_

"Oh really, I thought we were just crouched under this bloody cloak, trying not to make any sounds for _a bloody laugh_!"

"SHH!""

'You shh!"

"Oh for…come on lets go."

"Oh, were we _going_ somewhere?"

I quietly took out a bat from under the bed and stealthy went down the stairs. I listened to the not so quiet conversation.

"Why are you all grouchy and…and careless!"

"Hey, you stepped on _my _foot, and you call me the careless one?"

"Look, let's just stop this and get outside. We need to go"

"Alright…anyway, you started it!"

"How exactly did I start it?"

"By stepping on my foot!"

"I did not step on your foot; you put your foot _under my feet_!'

I had enough of this. So with courage I did not know I had I came in front of the burglars and yelled, "Feel the wrath of God" before I started hitting. Take that and…and that…and that…you son of a…

(A/n: Guess who it is?)

"James…Sirius?" I asked dumbfounded as I saw them groaning on the floor.

"Ouch" They both said as the got up from the floor.

"I am so sorry…wait…why the hell are you two up so late anyway?" I asked them curious

"Uh" They started before they glanced at each other "Going to get some cookies"

"And you couldn't wait for the morning for this?" I asked angry that they woke me up. The audacity!

"Sorry" They mumbled before they trudged up the stairs.

Merlin help me…

* * *

The next morning was my usual routine. Wake Dudders up and get him dress (he looks so cute in his outfits). Shower and go downstairs.

"Sirius, step away from the thing. You remembered last time what happened when you touched that thing…you burned the house down" As soon as I heard that statement, I entered the kitchen. There was no way in hell was Black going to burn my house down. (I just brought it for Chris sake!)

I glared at them all. James was sitting on the counter amusement etched on his face, Remus was glaring at Sirius and trying to pull him away from the stove, and Sirius was holding a match and looked like a deer (A/n: dog) caught in headlights.

"What exactly do you think your doing?" I asked him

"Just…experimenting," He said with a nervous laugh

I sighed before I left.

* * *

Five days. FIVE days with those hooligans. Can you survive five days with these…these…ugh? (A/n: nods head Yes, _I _can, petunia)

Oh boy. Here they come now…

"Petunia, you got to go see this?" I was curious so I got off the couch and followed them to Dudders room?

They opened the door and I screamed. My Dudders! What did they do to my beautiful, perfect (A/n: yeah right) Dudders.

"What did you do?" I screeched turning around to them

"What? we thought that…make-up made someone pretty. So we helped you and gave Dudley a makeover." T-that boy said

"Take it off now!"

"We can't…its permanent"

"Get. Out."

"What?"

"You heard me! Get. Out."

"What's going on?"

"It's your little monkeys. I don't want to see any of you ever again!"

"B-but Petty…"

"You too, Lily, it's your fault. Of all the boys you could have chosen from you had to choose this _boy_ and his little friends. I hate you! Look at what they did to my Dudders"

"I…"

"Get Out! Before I call the police"

"FINE!" She yelled before her and those monkeys of her left. I heard the door slam behind them. Good riddance.

I turned back to Dudders. Guess I have to go to the doctor with him…

End of Chapter

A/n: Meh…not my best work but still a chapter.

Five more chapters before this is finish! So review!

I am making this collection of stories on the deleted scenes in this story (Example: What exactly happened when Lily told the Marauders about the baby. What happened when Petunia brought Dudley to the hospital and other stuff I deleted from the chapters.) Therefore, what do you think about that? However, I will post that during the summer.

I enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope you liked reading it.

Love,

Ashley


	5. False Alarms

Disclaimer: I do not own anything excluding the plot.

Chapter 5: False Alarm

Summary: How do the Marauders (mainly Sirius) react when Lily says the baby is ready to arrive? You will have to read and find out! Read and Review! Told (forcibly) by Sirius Black (again…it was supposed to be Prongs turn but Sirius _had_ to hog the POV…)!

I twisted and turned in my bed not able to sleep. I sighed as I turned on to my back and stared at the white ceiling. I stared at it for a moment before I got bored and got out of bed. I stretched before I headed downstairs and to the kitchen.

Not sleeping can really build an appetite…

I opened the door to the kitchen and entered. I stopped as I saw Lily sitting at the table with a coffee. I warily entered the room, not sure if her mood swings had gone bye-bye or not. I sat across from her, slowly, and smiled hesitantly. I relaxed as she smiled back.

"What are you doing up so late?" She asked me as she got up to get a cup of coffee for me. Oh, Lily you do not have too…but if you want to, I will not argue.

I shrugged and said, "What are you doing up so late?" She rolled her eyes before she said, "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean my behavior changed too."

HA!

….

I mean…how true.

I nodded before I said, "So something bothering you?"

She shook her head but then nodded it. She sighed and plopped herself in her chair, she covered her face with her eyes and then her shoulder started to shake. It took me moment for me to realize that she was crying.

…

…

…

Oh!

She's crying!

I got up from my seat, came to her, and wrapped her in a hug. I whispered, "What's wrong Lily?"

"I don't know" She said frustrated, "Petunia hates me, I'm pregnant, there's a war and my child's going to have to live through that. I'm just scared."

I was shocked. I was speechless. Lily M. Evans was never afraid she was bold, and courageous but never afraid. I shook my head, it was unbelievable.

She continued, "It seems like I'm alone. I'm scared that at the end I'm going to protect the people I love, alone."

Ouch…

That hurts…

"You have James" I began "Your husband who may clown around a lot but love you so much that he would kill for you. (Might even kill me if you say so). He'll do whatever to protect you"

"But…"

Shush, woman, Sirius O. Black is talking…

"You have Remus who would always be there to give you advice and support."

"But…"

Woman, what did I say? I am speaking. Have you no shame…

"You have me, your brother through thick and thin, I promise to be there for you no matter what. You are not alone because you have the Marauders by your side."

Lily laughed before she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. "Thank you, Sirius, you're amazing"

I know…

"No problem"

She opened her mouth to speak but, instead, gasp in pain as she clutched her belly.

"Lily what's wrong?" I said, concerned, as I stepped towards her.

"I think the baby is coming"

Holy shit…

Oh, crap…

Oh, crap…

OH CRAP!

I calmly cleared my throat as I left the kitchen and screamed, "JAMES!"

I heard hurried footsteps coming down the stairs after a few moments I saw James and Remus coming down. Looking tired but instantly became worried when they heard groans of pain from the kitchen. They looked at me questionably

"The baby's coming," I croaked out before I swayed a little, "Thought you ought to know" I was not quite aware when I began to fall to the floor…

Am I fainting?

No! No! No! Sirius Black never faints!

Too late…

* * *

I woke up to my name being called. I groaned before I opened my eyes. Where the hell am I? I looked around the room only to find James, Lily, and Remus sitting next to me. There mouths covered obviously trying to stifle there laughter. I finally noticed I was in a white bed. I groaned...I can't believe it...I fainted. 

Great…

They will never let this down…

I, Sirius O. Black, fainted…

"Not. A. Word" I growled at them

Lily snorted before she started laughing. "Y-you…and…haha"

How embarrassing…

James and Remus suppressed smirks as they said, "False Alarm"

Great…

* * *

Finally, they let me go and we left the hospital and went home. Lily went to the mall. (what's a mall?) we wanted to go to but she said that we'll cause to much trouble. Us? Cause chaos? Nonsense! 

So now we're in the living room bored.

Suddenly, the phone rings and we all get up to answer it. We glare at each other before we start towards the phone. I pushed James and Remus to the floor before I ran and got the phone. Now, how does it work again?

You press the green button right?

I pressed it anyway and I put the blasted thing in my ear. I yelled, "HELLO?"

"My lord Sirius don't scream"

It was Monica!

Monica Robinson was Lily's friend who went on vacation when Lily told her she was pregnant. I think she just wanted to get away from Lily while she's pregnant. I wish we could have thought of that.

"HEY MONICA…heh…sorry. What's up?"

"Is Lily there?"

"No, she went to somewhere called a mall."

"Good"

"Why?"

"I'm throwing her a surprise baby shower"

Hmmm…baby shower...sounds like fun!

End of Chapter

A/n: So what do you…

Hey, hey, hey did I tell you I was finished? No. So pay attention to me, Sirius Black. Authors can be so rude sometimes…

"You can't come Sirius"

What? Why?

"Why?"

"…Because you're Sirius Black and if you haven't changed during the past 7 months than you're likely to be the same chaos causing Sirius I know."

"But I'll be good"

At least I will _try _to be good. Try being the keyword there.

Okay, I am done now.

End of Chapter (for real)

A/n: Thank you Sirius for the oh so wonderful ending. What did you think?

Reviews, like always, are very much appreciated and they make me smile. :)

Love,

Ashley


	6. Author Note

Author note:

I will be going on vacation and I will not have access to the computer for three weeks. I will be gone from June 30 to July 20. When I come back hopefully I will have updates for all my running stories. But until then, the only update I have is for A Twisted Game of Love and jealousy which I will upload after I finish this.

See ya,

Ashley

Xxx


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